January

so i have decided that i need to start writing again. i am challenging myself to write at least 300 words a day. i think that is doable. right?

ok so i guess i should update as to whats been going on. i have a new job. i have moved to manhattan. kansas that is. i am dating a really great guy and while living so far from him is a pain its going well. thats about it. i work nights so i sleep during the day.

more to come later

information

i went to the doctor last week. she took and insane amount of blood. wednesday i had an ultrasound and had a panic attack while she was scanning my stomach. the doctor thought it was either an ulcer or an increase in acid in my tummy. she was wrong on both counts. talked to the doctor yesterday, oh joy, did i mention that doctors freak me out. i have three ovarian cysts. well crap. oh and one is leaking fluid and and and my white blood count was really high which probably means one of them is infected. great! fabulous! wonderful! my entire life i have never had anything actually wrong with me other than a few really bad colds. thats about it. freaking out! going to the doctor on friday to talk about treatment and medicine. great more doctors!

thinking

so many things are going through my head currently. a lot of it concerns a certain person. she knows who she is and she knows why i cant stop thinking. i wish that i could just turn my mind off and make it all go away. make the way i care so deeply for her go away and i cant. i cant make that go away. i cant. i dont know how. she wants something else and that isnt me. its hard and it hurts and the only thing i can think about is her and how much i just want things to go back to how they were. i just want things to be back to what they were and where they were. over and over again i go over what happened and how we were and i cant for the life of me find a reason. it just isnt there. there isnt a reason for what happened.
it is really hard for me to focus currently. i cant seem to think of anything but here. i cant seem to get her off my mind. i dont know why i have been thinking about her so much. i just want to stop thinking about her. i want to be able to function with out her in my thoughts but it just has not be possible. i just want to be able to just be friends with her. to not have the overwhelming need to touch her. i dont mean anything dirty by any means. i just want to be able to hold her hand, touch her skin, make some kind of contact with her.

i just want contact

betterish

so i realized today that when things end new things start. i am not a fan of change. i am not a fan of things ending but when they do it means other stuff gets to start.

thats all for now.

blank

nothing

breakable

so i have learned over the years that people are breakable. that small and big things will break people. you know the say "stick and stones may break my bones but words will not hurt me". this is crap. sticks and stones do break peoples bones but words hurt way more. words are the things that leave wounds that do not heal. i hate to be so dramatic but sometimes it is hard. this weekend i felt the first burn of my new relationship. i am not sure how to feel currently. i thought that she was going to end things with me but instead she does not know what she wants. i am not sure what is worse. not being wanted or not know whether you are wanted or not. i realize i cant make her make up her mind but it hurts to know that she does not really know what she wants. i know how i feel about her. that i care about her and that i want to be with her. i know that she makes me happy like no one ever has. i know that i would do anything to make her happy. i know that if she asked of me i would surrender. and yet she cant figure out if she wants to be with me. she doesnt know if my nature fits with hers. she cant figure out if we go together. well, crap. she and i fit together. we make sense together. she may not see it but i do. i have never been happier with her. she worries that i am too dramatic, that stress over my job too much, that over all we are too different. and well none of that matters. what matters is how we work together. what matters is that we make eachother happy. that is what matters not the other stuff. i am sorry for not loving my job right now. i am sorry for how i feel but that is how i feel. i am dramatic and emotional and passionate. i overreact. i get angry. i defend who i am. that is just who i am. i know that you like this about me because you have told me so. in my heart of hearts i know how i feel about you. i just hope you can figure out how you feel about me. i hope that you can tell me that you care about me no matter what. that you like for me for me. that you will take all my flaws and all my broken pieces and just take me as i am. i am however going to qoute another one of ingrid michalson's songs.

breakable

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

i will take you as you are. i just hope that you do the same.

over it

you think you have gotten to me. you haven't

in the end i still win and that is all that matters

irritated

this week has just been a major irritation for me. i realize that life has its ups and downs but seriously why this week? its not that anything really that bad happened. its just that everything this week has been about pissing me off/making me irritated/just generally annoying me. not really sure why but come one. so over it.
one of my biggest pet peeves is being second guessed. and well everyone, a few people excluded, have second guessed me, doubted that i was telling the truth, and well basically told me i was wrong. screw you! if you think that you can do a better job then i will shut up and let you. but the reason i do things the way i do is because for me its right. until i am proven that i am wrong i am going to keep doing it this way. a great example of this is how people at work treat me. so i get to work this morning and on my desk is a note from one of my bosses asking about a job i processed yesterday. fine yes i forgot to put some information on there that would have been helpful but other than that the job was right. one of the production guys, that has no understanding of what i do and thinks that i am clueless, says you could have set this up 4 on a page. i said nothing because it just pissed me off. so what do i do. to prove to myself that i set the job correctly and that i am not an idot like he apparently thinks. i go back to the file. cut it out and reset it up. i try two different versons of the file. one has three on a page but you cant see the crop marks and the other has two on the page centered perfectly in the middle with crop marks and all. so there i was right to do it the way i did. next time i should show him or make him reset it up. since he thinks that he knows better than me. screw you!
i realize that in the large skeem of things this is nothing. this is a blip on the radar of life but come on. he went to high school and then didnt graduate and then just got his GED. i on the other had went to high school and then to college. graduated both in the upper 1/4 of my class and am not considering going back to get my masters. he is 27 and is for the first time living on his own. i have been living on my own and paying for myself since i was 19. so screw you for thinking that you know more about something that i went to school for. screw you for thinking that you are better than me and you cant even keep your banking account in the black. screw you for making me doubt my own ablity. screw you in general for assuming that you know me and that you know where i come from. you dont know me! you know nothing about me!
im so over you its not even funny!

more truths

ok so this weekend has been about truths for me.

one: i am really happy in my relationship. i like the person i am when i am with her. it makes me happy. i feel like i am better person. i like being a better person. i like that when i am with her i want to make sure that i am the best person that i am.

two: i can be a bad friend sometimes. this weekend i realized that maybe sometimes i let the feelings i have for the person i am with take over. well but here is the thing. i realized that maybe i am not a bad friend but that i am separating myself from the people that i may not have things in common with. i make time for the people that i want to make time with. i like my friends, i love my friends. but sometimes i need to just step back and reevaluate.

three: cancer is an ageless, faceless, colorless thing. it does not discriminate. :( i wish it wasnt true but a good friend of mine has cancer and i wish it wasnt so but its the truth. i am very worried but they caught it early so it should all be ok. crossing my fingers over and over again.

four: you can love someone and not be romantically involved with them. i am not talking about the love you have for your family but this is a different kind of love that you have for a friend. this is the kind of love that allows you to do anything for them. this is how i feel about a select group of people

coming clean

so i have realized in the last couple of days that my biggest fear is not ending up alone but that i wont be accepted for who i am. I know that it seems weird but its the truth. i have realized that i hide part of who i am because i don't want to be judged. i don't tell people, people i trust, everything because i am worried that maybe one of them wont love me after i come clean. i know that if they are my friends they will love me no matter what but some times it is hard to say the words to know and watch the reactions on their faces. i try my best to be judge free and i expect no less from my friends. so i guess the only thing for me to do is come clean with myself and then come clean with everyone else. so here it goes. i'm bisexual. i like both men and women. i can appreciate the wonderfulness that is both sexes. so that is the first truth. the second truth is that i am dating the most wonderful person. she is sweet, kind, and funny. when i am with her the rest of the world just melts away and the things that i have been afriad of seem to go away. the thrid truth is that while i am the happiest that i have ever been i still feel the darkness creeping in around the edges. its been a long time that since i have talked about the darkness but if i am going to be honest and come clean with myself than i have to be honest about the fact that i can feel it. i can feel the fact that if someone is knocked out of balance i will slip. i can feel myself slipping into the darkness. i know that i cant ignore what i am feeling but i have done so well at handling it in the past. i worry everyday that i will slip and the darkness that is clouding the edges will close in.

these are the three truths for now. maybe i will be able to be more truthful with myself later.