sunday

ok so today started out good. i slept in and got to cuddle with a very special person. we stayed in bed until about two and that was the best thing that we could have done. then well things went down hill. my father called me and well as usual things with my step-mother are well craptastic. apparently me not calling, texting, sending a card, or an email seeing how she was doing after her surgery after my father told me not to means that i have no respect for her. well crap! i guess that when i do as my father asks me i am the one at fault. i dont get it. after 10 years of being told over and over again that i am not good enough by the same woman, how am i suppose to send her a card and ask how she is doing. when not once ever has she asked me how i am doing. how my life in KC is. not once has she ever made and effort to find out about me or how i am. not once as she cared to be involved with me and who i am. i just dont get it. i know it seems selfish to not even ask about how a person of your own family is but when for 10 years she hasnt given a flying rats ass about me or my life. i think i get to be selfish. i think i am allowed not send her a card. i told my father that when she or any of her childern decide to give a crap about me or my life then maybe then i will start caring again about them but until that point i really dont care. i am a good person and i care about everyone but when you break someone down over and over and over again, how am i suppose to care about anything that is going on in your life. when you tell me over and over again that i am not good enough and that i am never going to be good enough for you how am i suppose to care about anything about you! i know that you are my "family" and that i would be upset if anything happened to you but god knows that i do not give a fucking rats ass about what is going on in your everyday life. im sorry if i havent "respected" you enough or if i havent called you like i am suppose to but it goes both ways and you need to reach out! you are the adult in this situation and not me. you need to take responsiblity for your actions and not try and blame everyone else for how crappy your life is. its not my fault! its not fair to blame me for the fact that you messed up the relationship with my father because you made him pick sides. its not my fault and when you relaize that then maybe you and my father will have a better relationship. when you apologize to me for all that you have done to me maybe i will actually talk to you. maybe then i will think about forgiving you for making me feel like i am not good enough. maybe then i will care about you. maybe then we can actually have a relationship. but i doubt that will ever happen. i doubt that you will ever see how full of crap you are! i doubt that you will ever see that you are a mean, hateful, unhappy person. i doubt that you will see that i am a good person with a good heart and that i do care about everyone in my life. what you have done is made me an angry person and that is just plan wrong. you are wrong in this situation and i hope that you realize that someday. but if you dont, dont expect me to come running to you with a bleeding heart!