miss

so its said that its only been 3 days and i am having withdrawal. i got used to seeing your face everyday. i got used to your smell and the way you look at me. i know that its only 3 days but i am going insane not being near you. i think about you all the time, its hard to focus. if i close my eyes you are there and i like it. you are the first thing i think of in the morning and the last thing i think of at night. its weird to me because i have been here before. this place this feeling but some how this time its different. it feels right. i feel right. i feel whole. there is no doubt when i think i about you. i know you care for me and that i care for you. there is no doubt that what you tell me is the truth. there is no doubt in my mind that you want me as much as i want you. (even if it is at a slower pace). i like the slow pace you take. i just wish right now that the slow pace you take would take you to me. i miss you so much. miss you in my arms. miss your arms around me. miss your smell on my skin and on my cloths. i miss all that you are and all that i am when i am with you. three days left before i can wrap my arms around you and tell you face to face that i missed your face. missed your neck missed you elbows missed you and your beautiful self.

ps i miss you

letter to the ex

dear you

so i have thought and thought about this for a really long time and the more that i think about it the more that i want to say these things to you. for the three years we were together you treated me like shit. i told you how much i loved you and you told me that you werent ready. i told you how important you were to me and you said that you had better things to do. i wish you knew how much you hurt me. how much you effected me and not in a good way. you broke me down and i will never be the same. but for the first time in a long time since you i am starting to feel whole again. You say that you want to be my friend and that you deserve better than what i have been treating you but you seem to forget how you treated me for three years plus the year we werent "together" after that. you have forgotten how many tears were spilled for you. how many times i spent wishing you were with me and you had better things to do. always better things to do that werent me and you deserve better? you deserve to be treated better? how so? because for the first time in almost five years you are being nice to me. putting me before everyone else.....oh wait there isnt anyone else. i am the only one that still gives a shit about you and yet you deserve better. you have never said anything to me about how much you hurt me and about how sorry you should be. not once have you said that "i am sorry i put everything and everyone before you. i am sorry that i betrayed a friend and swept you out from under him. im sorry that it would have been better for you to not be with me. im sorry that i broke your heart." not once did you ever say anything like that to me. not once did you ever tell me that. not once did you ever let me actually get over you. everytime i thought i was over you, you would show up with your "heys" and your "hey i miss you" i am so sick of those. so yea i am done. done caring about everything about you! so over caring about you. I hope that you get how much you have hurt me and how hard it is to say that i dont want you in my life. but i cant have you in my life because it hurts to think about all that you did to me.

a

christmas

so i would like to wish everyone a happy and merry first off. second off i would like to say that this is the first year in a a long time that i am actually very very happy. most of that is due to the fact that i am figuring out who i am. i am figuring who my friends are which is a huge deal and i am figuring out that i care more about a certain person every time i get to see them. i didnt realize that i could care about a person so much but i guess its possible. the only thing that i could ask for right now is to actually be spending christmas with that person. to actually see this person. soon enough i guess. so yea this is what happens when you are with someone and your family lives on the other side of the state.

so for now that is all i have. there will be more later that is for sure.

winter weekend

so this weekend was kinda great. i spent time with my favorite people.

me and lt

me and maddy

katy, maddy and i. we went ice skating

katy and i

me, katy and maddy again after we got warm.

it was a great weekend. i love my friends, old and new and i am so happy that they love me no matter what! i told my trio some things and they love me still and it makes me so freaking happy!

grey

grey for me is not a color it is a state of being
my world is not black or white but grey
i live in a world of inbetween and i never have the correct answer
what do you want me to say?
what is the correct answer to the question at hand?
you want to know what i am?
i am a woman.
i am an artist.
i am a lover.
when i look at you like i dont understand your question it is not because i am stupid but because i think that your question is.
what is the answer you want?
why do you need to define me?
do you want to know that my mother is white and that my father is black
does that make you feel better?
that now you can put me in a category
that you now know were i fall and that you can make me something i am not
i am not milato, i am not carmel, i am not a cookie or a coffee drink.
i am just me.
i am the daughter of those that have come before
i am a women whose soft skin has been hardened against all the hate that you hold in your heart.
i am not something that you can categorize.
you can not make me something i am not.
i am not black or white
i am not brown or cream
i am everything inbetween

snow

so i know that most people are not a fan of snow but me i love snow. the sound it makes when it falls is kinda awesome. the snow falls and every other sound is muffled. the only sound you hear is the loveliness of snow. it is soft and sweet. it sounds like rice dropping on fabric. i know i know weird analogy but if you every have an oppertunity to try it you will see what i mean. i dont know why i love snow so much but i do. i know that it is cold and i dont like cold but snow makes me happy. i love to wake up and sit and just watch it fall. watch the patterns it makes on the ground, on cars, on people. i wish people could see the wonderfulness of snow. it makes everything look so clean and pure and for the moments at a time nothing is more perfect

control

I am so confused about this word currently. I know that I have control issues but at this present junction my problem is that I am having a problem with the fact that I am allowing someone else have control. if that made any sense. I care about birdie and when I am with birdie my need to control the situation is gone. I have no desire to know whats going on all the time, I dont care if we sit and do nothing. Just being with birdie is by far enough.
Tonight I went over to birdie's to get a plunger.....because yea. (toilet = bad). Well I ended up spilling my guts. I am so worried about what my friends will think about me dating birdie. I hope against hope that they wont care but I am worried. I dont want to lose my friends but I dont want to lose birdie either. I am so grateful however for the fact that birdie is not forcing me to tell my friends. I think we both are in the same boat about not really knowing were we stand and we are not good with upheaval or confrontation. I am just so beyond worried that if I do not word it the right way I will end up without friends. And that would be heart breaking.

birdie

so i hung out with birdie tonight. it was only 30 minutes but i would have to say that it was the best 30 minutes of my day. we watched the rachel maddow show. very funny stuff. i have never liked watching the news so much. maybe it was birdie or maybe it was the show, not really sure. i do have to say that tonight was the giggliest we have ever been. it was quite funny. i have a strange need to karete chop something right now but whatever.
i guess i should share a little about birdie........sweet, kind, quite, funny, artistic, intelligent, and so many more things that i cant even describe.
ok so for tonight i am going to bed. maybe tomorrow more on birdie.

grande fine settimana : great weekend

questo fine settimana era da lontano il migliore fine settimana che ho avuto in tanto tempo. sono completamente e piacendo completamente che ciò che ha continuato nella mia vita. comincio finalmente a sentire come le due parti di me vengono effettivamente insieme. per la prima volta in une cose di tempo lunghe fanno effettivamente il senso e lavorando nel mio favore. sono realmente felice con la maniera Le cose vanno attualmente. amo realmente i nuovi amici ed i nuovi rapporti che faccio.

questo fine settimana era speso con un nuovo amico che fa me vede le cose in una nuova luce. tutto che vedo e faccio con la persona è nuovo ed e molto che ho cercato. io non sa se questa persona realizza l'impatto che hanno sulla mia vita ma forse del giorno farà.

del giorno che il mio principe verrà

Dunque questo fine settimana era da lontano il migliore fine settimana che ho avuto in tanto tempo. Ho speso il fine settimana con uno dei miei migliori amici che succedo cadere per. Venerdì ho inteso vedere un film con alcuni amici di ragazza. Sabato mattina ero su prima perché ho dovuto andare alla classe. È andato alla classe. Poi ho inteso fare le coperte con mie sorelle. Ciò era così molto divertimento. Dopo che che il mio amico è apparso ed abbiamo speso due e mezzi giorni sono appena insieme. Era così piacevole. Sento come cado per questo ragazzo e ho indossato pensa che dovrei essere. Ma proprio ora non mi preoccupo se dovrei o non dovrei si preoccupare di lui la maniera che faccio perché sono al settimo cielo felice.

one day my prince will come

today is a bad day. its a bad day because all i want to do is not be alone. i hate people that are happy and have someone there with them right now. i am not a hateful person but today i am. i am unhappy and i really just want to be next to someone right now. i dont want to be alone. i dont want to have this whole in me anymore. i want to be able to come home to the person that loves me and know that i am safe and that nothing is wrong. i am so over the whole that is in the pit of my stomach that makes everything ache. i just for once want to not be looked over, ignore, or choosen last.

hoping for the weekend

I am hoping that the weekend brings something and someone wonderful. I hope that if this weekend brings the things that I want it will be worth it in the end.

this thing called hate

i never realized how much i could hate. i spent ten years of my life in a house that i hate, with people that i hated. i thought that for the first time in ten years i was ok. i was over it but in a matter of hours all of the feelings that i had come back to me like the flood gates had been opened. it didnt take but two hours for me to be 14 again and feeling like i am a worthless person. thats was fast.
i showed up at the house where i used to live at about 6 p.m. the only person that was there was the women's father. i dont think he even recognized who i was until i addressed him. guess that shows how much he was in my life. i spent an hour with him waiting for my father to get home. oh and here is the topper to the cake its my youngest sisters birthday. so my dad calls me before he gets home and asks if i got her a birthday card. (yea right!) he gets home and i sign the card that he bought for me. (it said "its a card, an actual card, not a text, email, or phone call" biting no?) then he asked me if i got her a present (ha i am so sure) so twenty dollars comes out of my fathers pocket and into the card that he bought for me to give to her.
so then he starts making dinner. shrimp, lobster tails, potatos, salad. while thats cooking he goes up stairs to her room and starts setting up her present in her room that is painted as she liked (new flat screen lcd tv. side note- i still have the same two televisions that i bought for myself. one in highschool and one in college) when i lived in that room i couldnt paint. i could do a damn thing with out someone freaking out. my sister and her mother arent home yet but the tension inside of me is rising. i can feel it in me. so then........my sister and the women gets home. she says hello to me and that is all she has said to me since she got home at 8:25. so then we sit down to dinner and guess who i get to sit by. yep you guessed it. the woman. so i sit down first and what does she do. she has the gaul to scoot closer to her daughter and away from me.
do i smell or something. am i that horrible of a person that she doesnt want to sit by me! fucking shit thats crap. so then i help my sister put her candles on her cake and help her cut it and then help her serve it. all through dinner she does not say a damn word to me. does not ask me how kc is. does not say anything. i know nothing of polite conversation but i am pretty sure that not talking is not polite.
i want to yell and scream and tell her that she is a bitch but the "respect your elders" line is stuck in my head.
i didnt know that i could be so angry

a new day

so when i say that it is a new day this is a metaphor for how i have been feeling. things are different, new, wonderful and all the time the same. i for the first time feel like i am doing right. that i have found what i want and know that i am moving forward in the right way. this year is already moving so fast. i cant believe that it is already april. it feels like just weeks ago it was december and i was fighting over what i had and hadnt done. and now there is now fighting. now there is only happiness. i know that happiness is relative and i know that it can all be taken away but at the same time there is no need to worry. i know that at the happiness i have now is not going anywhere. i can feel it in my heart and in my head. there is so much that i wish i could express but words are not enough.
it is like flying and falling at the same time. scared and excited all at the same time. waiting to see what will happen next. knowing that i have no idea what in the world could be coming. i have no clue what the net day will bring and it is beyond wonderful. this feeling of not know the wonderfulness that keeps me going. I know it is going to continue and that makes it that much better.
For so long i have been so sad. depressed really and now it is like the only thing i know how to do is to be happy. yes i have cried once or twice but it is because of things that really dont matter. the only thing that matters now is the fact that i for the first time in a long time am truly happy. there is nothing more wonderful then the way i feel today. i only wish that everyone could feel as i feel. know what i know. love as i love. it is then and only then will they get it.
until i can explain better i leave you with this.
love is all you need

Happy New Year!

So they say that what you do on new years sets the bar for the rest of the year. Looking back on 2007 I am beginning to believe this. Before i talk about my new years resolutions, last night and what i plan for the rest of the year i want to look back on last year.

2007: I would have to say that this was the hardest year of my life. I do think that what i did last new years set the stage for the rest of my year. Last new years was spent fighting with my ex. The rest of the year went something like that. Not necessarily fighting with my ex but fighting to keep up, get by, and move forward. I think that i struggled more last year than any of the previous years and well i am stronger for it i guess.

The Good of 2007: I graduated from college! That would be the biggest thing. Next i would have to say that i realized that sometimes it is ok to be selfish and do for yourself. Next i got a job a big kid job a real honest to god job that pays the billsish. I moved into an apartment that i love and feel at home in. I bought a new car that i love as well. My mom getting engaged.

The Bad of 2007: Losing the trust and the friendship of people close to me. Losing a love. Falling in and out of love. having my heart broken more than once. kicking my ex out of my apartment. Fighting with the family. Not talking to certain family members because of imagined insults. And so many more things that i wish hadn't happened but they did and i am a better person because of it.

The Ugly of 2007: realizing that you can love someone with all your heart and not be in love with them. This is the hardest lesson that i have ever and will ever learn.

2008: Moving forward on to this new year i have to say that i am very positive. I am ready for the newness and the wonderfulness that this new year is going to bring. I have to say that if last night is any indication of how the rest of my year will go, then i am looking at a great new year. Last night i went to a party at this guy andy's house and while yes the party started out slow it got better as he night went on. I drank, played poker, and ended the night cuddling with someone that makes me feel safe. It felt very nice to just be in the arms of someone sweet and kind.

The Resolution: Last year my resolution was to lose weight. well that happened for a while but then i gained it back. I have decided that while yes it would be a great thing for me to do but i dont think that making a resolution about it is the best way of going about it. So back to the point. This years resolution is to make myself happy. I have spent the last 22 years of my life making everyone else happy and it is now my turn. I am going to do what i need to do to make myself happy. I want to find true love and be in love and make it work. 2008 is my year and it is going to be wonderful.