Happy New Year!

So they say that what you do on new years sets the bar for the rest of the year. Looking back on 2007 I am beginning to believe this. Before i talk about my new years resolutions, last night and what i plan for the rest of the year i want to look back on last year.

2007: I would have to say that this was the hardest year of my life. I do think that what i did last new years set the stage for the rest of my year. Last new years was spent fighting with my ex. The rest of the year went something like that. Not necessarily fighting with my ex but fighting to keep up, get by, and move forward. I think that i struggled more last year than any of the previous years and well i am stronger for it i guess.

The Good of 2007: I graduated from college! That would be the biggest thing. Next i would have to say that i realized that sometimes it is ok to be selfish and do for yourself. Next i got a job a big kid job a real honest to god job that pays the billsish. I moved into an apartment that i love and feel at home in. I bought a new car that i love as well. My mom getting engaged.

The Bad of 2007: Losing the trust and the friendship of people close to me. Losing a love. Falling in and out of love. having my heart broken more than once. kicking my ex out of my apartment. Fighting with the family. Not talking to certain family members because of imagined insults. And so many more things that i wish hadn't happened but they did and i am a better person because of it.

The Ugly of 2007: realizing that you can love someone with all your heart and not be in love with them. This is the hardest lesson that i have ever and will ever learn.

2008: Moving forward on to this new year i have to say that i am very positive. I am ready for the newness and the wonderfulness that this new year is going to bring. I have to say that if last night is any indication of how the rest of my year will go, then i am looking at a great new year. Last night i went to a party at this guy andy's house and while yes the party started out slow it got better as he night went on. I drank, played poker, and ended the night cuddling with someone that makes me feel safe. It felt very nice to just be in the arms of someone sweet and kind.

The Resolution: Last year my resolution was to lose weight. well that happened for a while but then i gained it back. I have decided that while yes it would be a great thing for me to do but i dont think that making a resolution about it is the best way of going about it. So back to the point. This years resolution is to make myself happy. I have spent the last 22 years of my life making everyone else happy and it is now my turn. I am going to do what i need to do to make myself happy. I want to find true love and be in love and make it work. 2008 is my year and it is going to be wonderful.

you win

What do you want me to say to you? That I think that you ruined the last eight years of my life. That I blame you for the fact that for the last eight years i have been more worried about what would happen if i did or didnt do something. That i wish that you had never married my fathered. I think that it is unfair for you to expect for me to remember five people's birthdays, anniversiers, and ever important event in your lives when you cant bother to remember or acknowledge mine. You think it is fair for me to get guilt tripped about the fact that i didnt remember you daughters birthday and that i didnt call her but she has never once called me on my birthday. So as my punishment you let her skip out on my college graduation! And dad you give me some lame excuse about her being tired. You are my father. You are suppose to stand up for me. You are suppose to be the one that says to your wife "how is it fair that you get mad at her when she doesnt do this and that and such but not mad at your own daughter when she doesnt do the same." HOW IS THAT FAIR, LET ALONE RIGHT! I dont get it. At this point all i want to say to you is that you have no part in my life anymore! I refuse to let you in my life or let you get to me any more. Just because you are married to my father does not mean that i have to like, respect, care, or even acknowldge you. I am done. You win. You win. You happy now! You get the family you wanted with out the child you never had. You dont have to worry about me ruining your life anymore. YOU WIN! I am done dealing with your crap and your family. I am done feeling like shit because you make me. I AM DONE! YOU WIN! I GIVE UP!

This is what i wish i could say to my step mother and my father. Things i cant say but wish i could. There is so much more but i am too pissed off, annoyed, tired and beyond done at this point

Christmas

Mom is engaged! Thats right my om is engaged. This is weird. I am not sure how i feel about this one. It is weird but i think it will be a good thing......right?

WTF

I don't understand.... what is it when men these days. You try hard to be what they want. You make yourself available or unavailable or whatever. You make plans and then when it is time for those plans you get bailed on. WTF!!!!! I don't understand I just don't. Is it me? Did I do something? I think I am just really done. I am done dealing with this crap all the time. It would be nice to not have to deal with this shit.
I think that form now until new years I am going to just stop caring about the opposite sex. I know that this really isn't that long of a time frame but it is enough for me to clear my head. I am just so done. I feel completely rejected and unwanted. That is by far the worst feeling in the world. I am just done!
I just don't understand. It would be nice to not feel this way but i don't see that happening anytime soon.

Done

Done Done Done Done Done. What is it with guys today but i am so done done done.

Delta Rho

Pictures from the Delta Rho holiday party

Car Buying

You would be so proud. I went and looked at the car yesterday and I was a bad ass. I told him I was looking at other cars and so on and so forth. I got him to come down $500 by the time i left. Then this morning I told him that I was looking at a 2004, with the same millage, the only difference being the door count for 11k. And he was like what would it take to get you in our car. I told him i dont want to commit to a price and then not buy it. So I said the price that would make me happy would be one that was close to the 2004.
I am proud of me!

Thoughts

Thoughts on what is to come......
I worry and wonder all at the same time that the choices that I am making are not the right ones. I worry that there is so much more that I am missing. That maybe I am not seeing everything I need to be seeing when i make the choices I make. I worry that i am coming up short that i will disappoint someone or upset someone. I guess i should be ok with the fact that i should just make myself happy and not worry about what others think. But i am so keen on making other people happy that it seems to come first.
I think that will be my new years resolution. Make myself happy, buck everyone else. I think...yes that will be it. I am going to make myself happy in 2008. I am done worrying about how other people will feel if i do what i want. It has been shown to me this year that i get my feelings hurt to much if i care about what other people want or if i am making them happy. 2008 is my year for true happiness and satisfaction.
Let it be true