information

i went to the doctor last week. she took and insane amount of blood. wednesday i had an ultrasound and had a panic attack while she was scanning my stomach. the doctor thought it was either an ulcer or an increase in acid in my tummy. she was wrong on both counts. talked to the doctor yesterday, oh joy, did i mention that doctors freak me out. i have three ovarian cysts. well crap. oh and one is leaking fluid and and and my white blood count was really high which probably means one of them is infected. great! fabulous! wonderful! my entire life i have never had anything actually wrong with me other than a few really bad colds. thats about it. freaking out! going to the doctor on friday to talk about treatment and medicine. great more doctors!

thinking

so many things are going through my head currently. a lot of it concerns a certain person. she knows who she is and she knows why i cant stop thinking. i wish that i could just turn my mind off and make it all go away. make the way i care so deeply for her go away and i cant. i cant make that go away. i cant. i dont know how. she wants something else and that isnt me. its hard and it hurts and the only thing i can think about is her and how much i just want things to go back to how they were. i just want things to be back to what they were and where they were. over and over again i go over what happened and how we were and i cant for the life of me find a reason. it just isnt there. there isnt a reason for what happened.
it is really hard for me to focus currently. i cant seem to think of anything but here. i cant seem to get her off my mind. i dont know why i have been thinking about her so much. i just want to stop thinking about her. i want to be able to function with out her in my thoughts but it just has not be possible. i just want to be able to just be friends with her. to not have the overwhelming need to touch her. i dont mean anything dirty by any means. i just want to be able to hold her hand, touch her skin, make some kind of contact with her.

i just want contact

betterish

so i realized today that when things end new things start. i am not a fan of change. i am not a fan of things ending but when they do it means other stuff gets to start.

thats all for now.

blank

nothing

breakable

so i have learned over the years that people are breakable. that small and big things will break people. you know the say "stick and stones may break my bones but words will not hurt me". this is crap. sticks and stones do break peoples bones but words hurt way more. words are the things that leave wounds that do not heal. i hate to be so dramatic but sometimes it is hard. this weekend i felt the first burn of my new relationship. i am not sure how to feel currently. i thought that she was going to end things with me but instead she does not know what she wants. i am not sure what is worse. not being wanted or not know whether you are wanted or not. i realize i cant make her make up her mind but it hurts to know that she does not really know what she wants. i know how i feel about her. that i care about her and that i want to be with her. i know that she makes me happy like no one ever has. i know that i would do anything to make her happy. i know that if she asked of me i would surrender. and yet she cant figure out if she wants to be with me. she doesnt know if my nature fits with hers. she cant figure out if we go together. well, crap. she and i fit together. we make sense together. she may not see it but i do. i have never been happier with her. she worries that i am too dramatic, that stress over my job too much, that over all we are too different. and well none of that matters. what matters is how we work together. what matters is that we make eachother happy. that is what matters not the other stuff. i am sorry for not loving my job right now. i am sorry for how i feel but that is how i feel. i am dramatic and emotional and passionate. i overreact. i get angry. i defend who i am. that is just who i am. i know that you like this about me because you have told me so. in my heart of hearts i know how i feel about you. i just hope you can figure out how you feel about me. i hope that you can tell me that you care about me no matter what. that you like for me for me. that you will take all my flaws and all my broken pieces and just take me as i am. i am however going to qoute another one of ingrid michalson's songs.

breakable

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

i will take you as you are. i just hope that you do the same.