over it

you think you have gotten to me. you haven't

in the end i still win and that is all that matters

irritated

this week has just been a major irritation for me. i realize that life has its ups and downs but seriously why this week? its not that anything really that bad happened. its just that everything this week has been about pissing me off/making me irritated/just generally annoying me. not really sure why but come one. so over it.
one of my biggest pet peeves is being second guessed. and well everyone, a few people excluded, have second guessed me, doubted that i was telling the truth, and well basically told me i was wrong. screw you! if you think that you can do a better job then i will shut up and let you. but the reason i do things the way i do is because for me its right. until i am proven that i am wrong i am going to keep doing it this way. a great example of this is how people at work treat me. so i get to work this morning and on my desk is a note from one of my bosses asking about a job i processed yesterday. fine yes i forgot to put some information on there that would have been helpful but other than that the job was right. one of the production guys, that has no understanding of what i do and thinks that i am clueless, says you could have set this up 4 on a page. i said nothing because it just pissed me off. so what do i do. to prove to myself that i set the job correctly and that i am not an idot like he apparently thinks. i go back to the file. cut it out and reset it up. i try two different versons of the file. one has three on a page but you cant see the crop marks and the other has two on the page centered perfectly in the middle with crop marks and all. so there i was right to do it the way i did. next time i should show him or make him reset it up. since he thinks that he knows better than me. screw you!
i realize that in the large skeem of things this is nothing. this is a blip on the radar of life but come on. he went to high school and then didnt graduate and then just got his GED. i on the other had went to high school and then to college. graduated both in the upper 1/4 of my class and am not considering going back to get my masters. he is 27 and is for the first time living on his own. i have been living on my own and paying for myself since i was 19. so screw you for thinking that you know more about something that i went to school for. screw you for thinking that you are better than me and you cant even keep your banking account in the black. screw you for making me doubt my own ablity. screw you in general for assuming that you know me and that you know where i come from. you dont know me! you know nothing about me!
im so over you its not even funny!

more truths

ok so this weekend has been about truths for me.

one: i am really happy in my relationship. i like the person i am when i am with her. it makes me happy. i feel like i am better person. i like being a better person. i like that when i am with her i want to make sure that i am the best person that i am.

two: i can be a bad friend sometimes. this weekend i realized that maybe sometimes i let the feelings i have for the person i am with take over. well but here is the thing. i realized that maybe i am not a bad friend but that i am separating myself from the people that i may not have things in common with. i make time for the people that i want to make time with. i like my friends, i love my friends. but sometimes i need to just step back and reevaluate.

three: cancer is an ageless, faceless, colorless thing. it does not discriminate. :( i wish it wasnt true but a good friend of mine has cancer and i wish it wasnt so but its the truth. i am very worried but they caught it early so it should all be ok. crossing my fingers over and over again.

four: you can love someone and not be romantically involved with them. i am not talking about the love you have for your family but this is a different kind of love that you have for a friend. this is the kind of love that allows you to do anything for them. this is how i feel about a select group of people

coming clean

so i have realized in the last couple of days that my biggest fear is not ending up alone but that i wont be accepted for who i am. I know that it seems weird but its the truth. i have realized that i hide part of who i am because i don't want to be judged. i don't tell people, people i trust, everything because i am worried that maybe one of them wont love me after i come clean. i know that if they are my friends they will love me no matter what but some times it is hard to say the words to know and watch the reactions on their faces. i try my best to be judge free and i expect no less from my friends. so i guess the only thing for me to do is come clean with myself and then come clean with everyone else. so here it goes. i'm bisexual. i like both men and women. i can appreciate the wonderfulness that is both sexes. so that is the first truth. the second truth is that i am dating the most wonderful person. she is sweet, kind, and funny. when i am with her the rest of the world just melts away and the things that i have been afriad of seem to go away. the thrid truth is that while i am the happiest that i have ever been i still feel the darkness creeping in around the edges. its been a long time that since i have talked about the darkness but if i am going to be honest and come clean with myself than i have to be honest about the fact that i can feel it. i can feel the fact that if someone is knocked out of balance i will slip. i can feel myself slipping into the darkness. i know that i cant ignore what i am feeling but i have done so well at handling it in the past. i worry everyday that i will slip and the darkness that is clouding the edges will close in.

these are the three truths for now. maybe i will be able to be more truthful with myself later.

words to add to the dictionary

erratated - said in a drunken southern accent. its meaning is very similar to that of irritated but the emphasis is greater and usually has a strong effect.

craptastic - meaning that things are so wonderfully bad that the words crap and fantastic have been combined to create this word.

there will be more to come.

sunday

ok so today started out good. i slept in and got to cuddle with a very special person. we stayed in bed until about two and that was the best thing that we could have done. then well things went down hill. my father called me and well as usual things with my step-mother are well craptastic. apparently me not calling, texting, sending a card, or an email seeing how she was doing after her surgery after my father told me not to means that i have no respect for her. well crap! i guess that when i do as my father asks me i am the one at fault. i dont get it. after 10 years of being told over and over again that i am not good enough by the same woman, how am i suppose to send her a card and ask how she is doing. when not once ever has she asked me how i am doing. how my life in KC is. not once has she ever made and effort to find out about me or how i am. not once as she cared to be involved with me and who i am. i just dont get it. i know it seems selfish to not even ask about how a person of your own family is but when for 10 years she hasnt given a flying rats ass about me or my life. i think i get to be selfish. i think i am allowed not send her a card. i told my father that when she or any of her childern decide to give a crap about me or my life then maybe then i will start caring again about them but until that point i really dont care. i am a good person and i care about everyone but when you break someone down over and over and over again, how am i suppose to care about anything that is going on in your life. when you tell me over and over again that i am not good enough and that i am never going to be good enough for you how am i suppose to care about anything about you! i know that you are my "family" and that i would be upset if anything happened to you but god knows that i do not give a fucking rats ass about what is going on in your everyday life. im sorry if i havent "respected" you enough or if i havent called you like i am suppose to but it goes both ways and you need to reach out! you are the adult in this situation and not me. you need to take responsiblity for your actions and not try and blame everyone else for how crappy your life is. its not my fault! its not fair to blame me for the fact that you messed up the relationship with my father because you made him pick sides. its not my fault and when you relaize that then maybe you and my father will have a better relationship. when you apologize to me for all that you have done to me maybe i will actually talk to you. maybe then i will think about forgiving you for making me feel like i am not good enough. maybe then i will care about you. maybe then we can actually have a relationship. but i doubt that will ever happen. i doubt that you will ever see how full of crap you are! i doubt that you will ever see that you are a mean, hateful, unhappy person. i doubt that you will see that i am a good person with a good heart and that i do care about everyone in my life. what you have done is made me an angry person and that is just plan wrong. you are wrong in this situation and i hope that you realize that someday. but if you dont, dont expect me to come running to you with a bleeding heart!