winter weekend

so this weekend was kinda great. i spent time with my favorite people.

me and lt

me and maddy

katy, maddy and i. we went ice skating

katy and i

me, katy and maddy again after we got warm.

it was a great weekend. i love my friends, old and new and i am so happy that they love me no matter what! i told my trio some things and they love me still and it makes me so freaking happy!

grey

grey for me is not a color it is a state of being
my world is not black or white but grey
i live in a world of inbetween and i never have the correct answer
what do you want me to say?
what is the correct answer to the question at hand?
you want to know what i am?
i am a woman.
i am an artist.
i am a lover.
when i look at you like i dont understand your question it is not because i am stupid but because i think that your question is.
what is the answer you want?
why do you need to define me?
do you want to know that my mother is white and that my father is black
does that make you feel better?
that now you can put me in a category
that you now know were i fall and that you can make me something i am not
i am not milato, i am not carmel, i am not a cookie or a coffee drink.
i am just me.
i am the daughter of those that have come before
i am a women whose soft skin has been hardened against all the hate that you hold in your heart.
i am not something that you can categorize.
you can not make me something i am not.
i am not black or white
i am not brown or cream
i am everything inbetween

snow

so i know that most people are not a fan of snow but me i love snow. the sound it makes when it falls is kinda awesome. the snow falls and every other sound is muffled. the only sound you hear is the loveliness of snow. it is soft and sweet. it sounds like rice dropping on fabric. i know i know weird analogy but if you every have an oppertunity to try it you will see what i mean. i dont know why i love snow so much but i do. i know that it is cold and i dont like cold but snow makes me happy. i love to wake up and sit and just watch it fall. watch the patterns it makes on the ground, on cars, on people. i wish people could see the wonderfulness of snow. it makes everything look so clean and pure and for the moments at a time nothing is more perfect

control

I am so confused about this word currently. I know that I have control issues but at this present junction my problem is that I am having a problem with the fact that I am allowing someone else have control. if that made any sense. I care about birdie and when I am with birdie my need to control the situation is gone. I have no desire to know whats going on all the time, I dont care if we sit and do nothing. Just being with birdie is by far enough.
Tonight I went over to birdie's to get a plunger.....because yea. (toilet = bad). Well I ended up spilling my guts. I am so worried about what my friends will think about me dating birdie. I hope against hope that they wont care but I am worried. I dont want to lose my friends but I dont want to lose birdie either. I am so grateful however for the fact that birdie is not forcing me to tell my friends. I think we both are in the same boat about not really knowing were we stand and we are not good with upheaval or confrontation. I am just so beyond worried that if I do not word it the right way I will end up without friends. And that would be heart breaking.

birdie

so i hung out with birdie tonight. it was only 30 minutes but i would have to say that it was the best 30 minutes of my day. we watched the rachel maddow show. very funny stuff. i have never liked watching the news so much. maybe it was birdie or maybe it was the show, not really sure. i do have to say that tonight was the giggliest we have ever been. it was quite funny. i have a strange need to karete chop something right now but whatever.
i guess i should share a little about birdie........sweet, kind, quite, funny, artistic, intelligent, and so many more things that i cant even describe.
ok so for tonight i am going to bed. maybe tomorrow more on birdie.

grande fine settimana : great weekend

questo fine settimana era da lontano il migliore fine settimana che ho avuto in tanto tempo. sono completamente e piacendo completamente che ciò che ha continuato nella mia vita. comincio finalmente a sentire come le due parti di me vengono effettivamente insieme. per la prima volta in une cose di tempo lunghe fanno effettivamente il senso e lavorando nel mio favore. sono realmente felice con la maniera Le cose vanno attualmente. amo realmente i nuovi amici ed i nuovi rapporti che faccio.

questo fine settimana era speso con un nuovo amico che fa me vede le cose in una nuova luce. tutto che vedo e faccio con la persona è nuovo ed e molto che ho cercato. io non sa se questa persona realizza l'impatto che hanno sulla mia vita ma forse del giorno farà.

del giorno che il mio principe verrà

Dunque questo fine settimana era da lontano il migliore fine settimana che ho avuto in tanto tempo. Ho speso il fine settimana con uno dei miei migliori amici che succedo cadere per. Venerdì ho inteso vedere un film con alcuni amici di ragazza. Sabato mattina ero su prima perché ho dovuto andare alla classe. È andato alla classe. Poi ho inteso fare le coperte con mie sorelle. Ciò era così molto divertimento. Dopo che che il mio amico è apparso ed abbiamo speso due e mezzi giorni sono appena insieme. Era così piacevole. Sento come cado per questo ragazzo e ho indossato pensa che dovrei essere. Ma proprio ora non mi preoccupo se dovrei o non dovrei si preoccupare di lui la maniera che faccio perché sono al settimo cielo felice.

one day my prince will come

today is a bad day. its a bad day because all i want to do is not be alone. i hate people that are happy and have someone there with them right now. i am not a hateful person but today i am. i am unhappy and i really just want to be next to someone right now. i dont want to be alone. i dont want to have this whole in me anymore. i want to be able to come home to the person that loves me and know that i am safe and that nothing is wrong. i am so over the whole that is in the pit of my stomach that makes everything ache. i just for once want to not be looked over, ignore, or choosen last.

hoping for the weekend

I am hoping that the weekend brings something and someone wonderful. I hope that if this weekend brings the things that I want it will be worth it in the end.

this thing called hate

i never realized how much i could hate. i spent ten years of my life in a house that i hate, with people that i hated. i thought that for the first time in ten years i was ok. i was over it but in a matter of hours all of the feelings that i had come back to me like the flood gates had been opened. it didnt take but two hours for me to be 14 again and feeling like i am a worthless person. thats was fast.
i showed up at the house where i used to live at about 6 p.m. the only person that was there was the women's father. i dont think he even recognized who i was until i addressed him. guess that shows how much he was in my life. i spent an hour with him waiting for my father to get home. oh and here is the topper to the cake its my youngest sisters birthday. so my dad calls me before he gets home and asks if i got her a birthday card. (yea right!) he gets home and i sign the card that he bought for me. (it said "its a card, an actual card, not a text, email, or phone call" biting no?) then he asked me if i got her a present (ha i am so sure) so twenty dollars comes out of my fathers pocket and into the card that he bought for me to give to her.
so then he starts making dinner. shrimp, lobster tails, potatos, salad. while thats cooking he goes up stairs to her room and starts setting up her present in her room that is painted as she liked (new flat screen lcd tv. side note- i still have the same two televisions that i bought for myself. one in highschool and one in college) when i lived in that room i couldnt paint. i could do a damn thing with out someone freaking out. my sister and her mother arent home yet but the tension inside of me is rising. i can feel it in me. so then........my sister and the women gets home. she says hello to me and that is all she has said to me since she got home at 8:25. so then we sit down to dinner and guess who i get to sit by. yep you guessed it. the woman. so i sit down first and what does she do. she has the gaul to scoot closer to her daughter and away from me.
do i smell or something. am i that horrible of a person that she doesnt want to sit by me! fucking shit thats crap. so then i help my sister put her candles on her cake and help her cut it and then help her serve it. all through dinner she does not say a damn word to me. does not ask me how kc is. does not say anything. i know nothing of polite conversation but i am pretty sure that not talking is not polite.
i want to yell and scream and tell her that she is a bitch but the "respect your elders" line is stuck in my head.
i didnt know that i could be so angry