January

so i have decided that i need to start writing again. i am challenging myself to write at least 300 words a day. i think that is doable. right?

ok so i guess i should update as to whats been going on. i have a new job. i have moved to manhattan. kansas that is. i am dating a really great guy and while living so far from him is a pain its going well. thats about it. i work nights so i sleep during the day.

more to come later

information

i went to the doctor last week. she took and insane amount of blood. wednesday i had an ultrasound and had a panic attack while she was scanning my stomach. the doctor thought it was either an ulcer or an increase in acid in my tummy. she was wrong on both counts. talked to the doctor yesterday, oh joy, did i mention that doctors freak me out. i have three ovarian cysts. well crap. oh and one is leaking fluid and and and my white blood count was really high which probably means one of them is infected. great! fabulous! wonderful! my entire life i have never had anything actually wrong with me other than a few really bad colds. thats about it. freaking out! going to the doctor on friday to talk about treatment and medicine. great more doctors!

thinking

so many things are going through my head currently. a lot of it concerns a certain person. she knows who she is and she knows why i cant stop thinking. i wish that i could just turn my mind off and make it all go away. make the way i care so deeply for her go away and i cant. i cant make that go away. i cant. i dont know how. she wants something else and that isnt me. its hard and it hurts and the only thing i can think about is her and how much i just want things to go back to how they were. i just want things to be back to what they were and where they were. over and over again i go over what happened and how we were and i cant for the life of me find a reason. it just isnt there. there isnt a reason for what happened.
it is really hard for me to focus currently. i cant seem to think of anything but here. i cant seem to get her off my mind. i dont know why i have been thinking about her so much. i just want to stop thinking about her. i want to be able to function with out her in my thoughts but it just has not be possible. i just want to be able to just be friends with her. to not have the overwhelming need to touch her. i dont mean anything dirty by any means. i just want to be able to hold her hand, touch her skin, make some kind of contact with her.

i just want contact

betterish

so i realized today that when things end new things start. i am not a fan of change. i am not a fan of things ending but when they do it means other stuff gets to start.

thats all for now.

blank

nothing

breakable

so i have learned over the years that people are breakable. that small and big things will break people. you know the say "stick and stones may break my bones but words will not hurt me". this is crap. sticks and stones do break peoples bones but words hurt way more. words are the things that leave wounds that do not heal. i hate to be so dramatic but sometimes it is hard. this weekend i felt the first burn of my new relationship. i am not sure how to feel currently. i thought that she was going to end things with me but instead she does not know what she wants. i am not sure what is worse. not being wanted or not know whether you are wanted or not. i realize i cant make her make up her mind but it hurts to know that she does not really know what she wants. i know how i feel about her. that i care about her and that i want to be with her. i know that she makes me happy like no one ever has. i know that i would do anything to make her happy. i know that if she asked of me i would surrender. and yet she cant figure out if she wants to be with me. she doesnt know if my nature fits with hers. she cant figure out if we go together. well, crap. she and i fit together. we make sense together. she may not see it but i do. i have never been happier with her. she worries that i am too dramatic, that stress over my job too much, that over all we are too different. and well none of that matters. what matters is how we work together. what matters is that we make eachother happy. that is what matters not the other stuff. i am sorry for not loving my job right now. i am sorry for how i feel but that is how i feel. i am dramatic and emotional and passionate. i overreact. i get angry. i defend who i am. that is just who i am. i know that you like this about me because you have told me so. in my heart of hearts i know how i feel about you. i just hope you can figure out how you feel about me. i hope that you can tell me that you care about me no matter what. that you like for me for me. that you will take all my flaws and all my broken pieces and just take me as i am. i am however going to qoute another one of ingrid michalson's songs.

breakable

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

i will take you as you are. i just hope that you do the same.

over it

you think you have gotten to me. you haven't

in the end i still win and that is all that matters

irritated

this week has just been a major irritation for me. i realize that life has its ups and downs but seriously why this week? its not that anything really that bad happened. its just that everything this week has been about pissing me off/making me irritated/just generally annoying me. not really sure why but come one. so over it.
one of my biggest pet peeves is being second guessed. and well everyone, a few people excluded, have second guessed me, doubted that i was telling the truth, and well basically told me i was wrong. screw you! if you think that you can do a better job then i will shut up and let you. but the reason i do things the way i do is because for me its right. until i am proven that i am wrong i am going to keep doing it this way. a great example of this is how people at work treat me. so i get to work this morning and on my desk is a note from one of my bosses asking about a job i processed yesterday. fine yes i forgot to put some information on there that would have been helpful but other than that the job was right. one of the production guys, that has no understanding of what i do and thinks that i am clueless, says you could have set this up 4 on a page. i said nothing because it just pissed me off. so what do i do. to prove to myself that i set the job correctly and that i am not an idot like he apparently thinks. i go back to the file. cut it out and reset it up. i try two different versons of the file. one has three on a page but you cant see the crop marks and the other has two on the page centered perfectly in the middle with crop marks and all. so there i was right to do it the way i did. next time i should show him or make him reset it up. since he thinks that he knows better than me. screw you!
i realize that in the large skeem of things this is nothing. this is a blip on the radar of life but come on. he went to high school and then didnt graduate and then just got his GED. i on the other had went to high school and then to college. graduated both in the upper 1/4 of my class and am not considering going back to get my masters. he is 27 and is for the first time living on his own. i have been living on my own and paying for myself since i was 19. so screw you for thinking that you know more about something that i went to school for. screw you for thinking that you are better than me and you cant even keep your banking account in the black. screw you for making me doubt my own ablity. screw you in general for assuming that you know me and that you know where i come from. you dont know me! you know nothing about me!
im so over you its not even funny!

more truths

ok so this weekend has been about truths for me.

one: i am really happy in my relationship. i like the person i am when i am with her. it makes me happy. i feel like i am better person. i like being a better person. i like that when i am with her i want to make sure that i am the best person that i am.

two: i can be a bad friend sometimes. this weekend i realized that maybe sometimes i let the feelings i have for the person i am with take over. well but here is the thing. i realized that maybe i am not a bad friend but that i am separating myself from the people that i may not have things in common with. i make time for the people that i want to make time with. i like my friends, i love my friends. but sometimes i need to just step back and reevaluate.

three: cancer is an ageless, faceless, colorless thing. it does not discriminate. :( i wish it wasnt true but a good friend of mine has cancer and i wish it wasnt so but its the truth. i am very worried but they caught it early so it should all be ok. crossing my fingers over and over again.

four: you can love someone and not be romantically involved with them. i am not talking about the love you have for your family but this is a different kind of love that you have for a friend. this is the kind of love that allows you to do anything for them. this is how i feel about a select group of people

coming clean

so i have realized in the last couple of days that my biggest fear is not ending up alone but that i wont be accepted for who i am. I know that it seems weird but its the truth. i have realized that i hide part of who i am because i don't want to be judged. i don't tell people, people i trust, everything because i am worried that maybe one of them wont love me after i come clean. i know that if they are my friends they will love me no matter what but some times it is hard to say the words to know and watch the reactions on their faces. i try my best to be judge free and i expect no less from my friends. so i guess the only thing for me to do is come clean with myself and then come clean with everyone else. so here it goes. i'm bisexual. i like both men and women. i can appreciate the wonderfulness that is both sexes. so that is the first truth. the second truth is that i am dating the most wonderful person. she is sweet, kind, and funny. when i am with her the rest of the world just melts away and the things that i have been afriad of seem to go away. the thrid truth is that while i am the happiest that i have ever been i still feel the darkness creeping in around the edges. its been a long time that since i have talked about the darkness but if i am going to be honest and come clean with myself than i have to be honest about the fact that i can feel it. i can feel the fact that if someone is knocked out of balance i will slip. i can feel myself slipping into the darkness. i know that i cant ignore what i am feeling but i have done so well at handling it in the past. i worry everyday that i will slip and the darkness that is clouding the edges will close in.

these are the three truths for now. maybe i will be able to be more truthful with myself later.

words to add to the dictionary

erratated - said in a drunken southern accent. its meaning is very similar to that of irritated but the emphasis is greater and usually has a strong effect.

craptastic - meaning that things are so wonderfully bad that the words crap and fantastic have been combined to create this word.

there will be more to come.

sunday

ok so today started out good. i slept in and got to cuddle with a very special person. we stayed in bed until about two and that was the best thing that we could have done. then well things went down hill. my father called me and well as usual things with my step-mother are well craptastic. apparently me not calling, texting, sending a card, or an email seeing how she was doing after her surgery after my father told me not to means that i have no respect for her. well crap! i guess that when i do as my father asks me i am the one at fault. i dont get it. after 10 years of being told over and over again that i am not good enough by the same woman, how am i suppose to send her a card and ask how she is doing. when not once ever has she asked me how i am doing. how my life in KC is. not once has she ever made and effort to find out about me or how i am. not once as she cared to be involved with me and who i am. i just dont get it. i know it seems selfish to not even ask about how a person of your own family is but when for 10 years she hasnt given a flying rats ass about me or my life. i think i get to be selfish. i think i am allowed not send her a card. i told my father that when she or any of her childern decide to give a crap about me or my life then maybe then i will start caring again about them but until that point i really dont care. i am a good person and i care about everyone but when you break someone down over and over and over again, how am i suppose to care about anything that is going on in your life. when you tell me over and over again that i am not good enough and that i am never going to be good enough for you how am i suppose to care about anything about you! i know that you are my "family" and that i would be upset if anything happened to you but god knows that i do not give a fucking rats ass about what is going on in your everyday life. im sorry if i havent "respected" you enough or if i havent called you like i am suppose to but it goes both ways and you need to reach out! you are the adult in this situation and not me. you need to take responsiblity for your actions and not try and blame everyone else for how crappy your life is. its not my fault! its not fair to blame me for the fact that you messed up the relationship with my father because you made him pick sides. its not my fault and when you relaize that then maybe you and my father will have a better relationship. when you apologize to me for all that you have done to me maybe i will actually talk to you. maybe then i will think about forgiving you for making me feel like i am not good enough. maybe then i will care about you. maybe then we can actually have a relationship. but i doubt that will ever happen. i doubt that you will ever see how full of crap you are! i doubt that you will ever see that you are a mean, hateful, unhappy person. i doubt that you will see that i am a good person with a good heart and that i do care about everyone in my life. what you have done is made me an angry person and that is just plan wrong. you are wrong in this situation and i hope that you realize that someday. but if you dont, dont expect me to come running to you with a bleeding heart!

miss

so its said that its only been 3 days and i am having withdrawal. i got used to seeing your face everyday. i got used to your smell and the way you look at me. i know that its only 3 days but i am going insane not being near you. i think about you all the time, its hard to focus. if i close my eyes you are there and i like it. you are the first thing i think of in the morning and the last thing i think of at night. its weird to me because i have been here before. this place this feeling but some how this time its different. it feels right. i feel right. i feel whole. there is no doubt when i think i about you. i know you care for me and that i care for you. there is no doubt that what you tell me is the truth. there is no doubt in my mind that you want me as much as i want you. (even if it is at a slower pace). i like the slow pace you take. i just wish right now that the slow pace you take would take you to me. i miss you so much. miss you in my arms. miss your arms around me. miss your smell on my skin and on my cloths. i miss all that you are and all that i am when i am with you. three days left before i can wrap my arms around you and tell you face to face that i missed your face. missed your neck missed you elbows missed you and your beautiful self.

ps i miss you

letter to the ex

dear you

so i have thought and thought about this for a really long time and the more that i think about it the more that i want to say these things to you. for the three years we were together you treated me like shit. i told you how much i loved you and you told me that you werent ready. i told you how important you were to me and you said that you had better things to do. i wish you knew how much you hurt me. how much you effected me and not in a good way. you broke me down and i will never be the same. but for the first time in a long time since you i am starting to feel whole again. You say that you want to be my friend and that you deserve better than what i have been treating you but you seem to forget how you treated me for three years plus the year we werent "together" after that. you have forgotten how many tears were spilled for you. how many times i spent wishing you were with me and you had better things to do. always better things to do that werent me and you deserve better? you deserve to be treated better? how so? because for the first time in almost five years you are being nice to me. putting me before everyone else.....oh wait there isnt anyone else. i am the only one that still gives a shit about you and yet you deserve better. you have never said anything to me about how much you hurt me and about how sorry you should be. not once have you said that "i am sorry i put everything and everyone before you. i am sorry that i betrayed a friend and swept you out from under him. im sorry that it would have been better for you to not be with me. im sorry that i broke your heart." not once did you ever say anything like that to me. not once did you ever tell me that. not once did you ever let me actually get over you. everytime i thought i was over you, you would show up with your "heys" and your "hey i miss you" i am so sick of those. so yea i am done. done caring about everything about you! so over caring about you. I hope that you get how much you have hurt me and how hard it is to say that i dont want you in my life. but i cant have you in my life because it hurts to think about all that you did to me.

a

christmas

so i would like to wish everyone a happy and merry first off. second off i would like to say that this is the first year in a a long time that i am actually very very happy. most of that is due to the fact that i am figuring out who i am. i am figuring who my friends are which is a huge deal and i am figuring out that i care more about a certain person every time i get to see them. i didnt realize that i could care about a person so much but i guess its possible. the only thing that i could ask for right now is to actually be spending christmas with that person. to actually see this person. soon enough i guess. so yea this is what happens when you are with someone and your family lives on the other side of the state.

so for now that is all i have. there will be more later that is for sure.

winter weekend

so this weekend was kinda great. i spent time with my favorite people.

me and lt

me and maddy

katy, maddy and i. we went ice skating

katy and i

me, katy and maddy again after we got warm.

it was a great weekend. i love my friends, old and new and i am so happy that they love me no matter what! i told my trio some things and they love me still and it makes me so freaking happy!

grey

grey for me is not a color it is a state of being
my world is not black or white but grey
i live in a world of inbetween and i never have the correct answer
what do you want me to say?
what is the correct answer to the question at hand?
you want to know what i am?
i am a woman.
i am an artist.
i am a lover.
when i look at you like i dont understand your question it is not because i am stupid but because i think that your question is.
what is the answer you want?
why do you need to define me?
do you want to know that my mother is white and that my father is black
does that make you feel better?
that now you can put me in a category
that you now know were i fall and that you can make me something i am not
i am not milato, i am not carmel, i am not a cookie or a coffee drink.
i am just me.
i am the daughter of those that have come before
i am a women whose soft skin has been hardened against all the hate that you hold in your heart.
i am not something that you can categorize.
you can not make me something i am not.
i am not black or white
i am not brown or cream
i am everything inbetween

snow

so i know that most people are not a fan of snow but me i love snow. the sound it makes when it falls is kinda awesome. the snow falls and every other sound is muffled. the only sound you hear is the loveliness of snow. it is soft and sweet. it sounds like rice dropping on fabric. i know i know weird analogy but if you every have an oppertunity to try it you will see what i mean. i dont know why i love snow so much but i do. i know that it is cold and i dont like cold but snow makes me happy. i love to wake up and sit and just watch it fall. watch the patterns it makes on the ground, on cars, on people. i wish people could see the wonderfulness of snow. it makes everything look so clean and pure and for the moments at a time nothing is more perfect

control

I am so confused about this word currently. I know that I have control issues but at this present junction my problem is that I am having a problem with the fact that I am allowing someone else have control. if that made any sense. I care about birdie and when I am with birdie my need to control the situation is gone. I have no desire to know whats going on all the time, I dont care if we sit and do nothing. Just being with birdie is by far enough.
Tonight I went over to birdie's to get a plunger.....because yea. (toilet = bad). Well I ended up spilling my guts. I am so worried about what my friends will think about me dating birdie. I hope against hope that they wont care but I am worried. I dont want to lose my friends but I dont want to lose birdie either. I am so grateful however for the fact that birdie is not forcing me to tell my friends. I think we both are in the same boat about not really knowing were we stand and we are not good with upheaval or confrontation. I am just so beyond worried that if I do not word it the right way I will end up without friends. And that would be heart breaking.

birdie

so i hung out with birdie tonight. it was only 30 minutes but i would have to say that it was the best 30 minutes of my day. we watched the rachel maddow show. very funny stuff. i have never liked watching the news so much. maybe it was birdie or maybe it was the show, not really sure. i do have to say that tonight was the giggliest we have ever been. it was quite funny. i have a strange need to karete chop something right now but whatever.
i guess i should share a little about birdie........sweet, kind, quite, funny, artistic, intelligent, and so many more things that i cant even describe.
ok so for tonight i am going to bed. maybe tomorrow more on birdie.