miss

so its said that its only been 3 days and i am having withdrawal. i got used to seeing your face everyday. i got used to your smell and the way you look at me. i know that its only 3 days but i am going insane not being near you. i think about you all the time, its hard to focus. if i close my eyes you are there and i like it. you are the first thing i think of in the morning and the last thing i think of at night. its weird to me because i have been here before. this place this feeling but some how this time its different. it feels right. i feel right. i feel whole. there is no doubt when i think i about you. i know you care for me and that i care for you. there is no doubt that what you tell me is the truth. there is no doubt in my mind that you want me as much as i want you. (even if it is at a slower pace). i like the slow pace you take. i just wish right now that the slow pace you take would take you to me. i miss you so much. miss you in my arms. miss your arms around me. miss your smell on my skin and on my cloths. i miss all that you are and all that i am when i am with you. three days left before i can wrap my arms around you and tell you face to face that i missed your face. missed your neck missed you elbows missed you and your beautiful self.

ps i miss you

letter to the ex

dear you

so i have thought and thought about this for a really long time and the more that i think about it the more that i want to say these things to you. for the three years we were together you treated me like shit. i told you how much i loved you and you told me that you werent ready. i told you how important you were to me and you said that you had better things to do. i wish you knew how much you hurt me. how much you effected me and not in a good way. you broke me down and i will never be the same. but for the first time in a long time since you i am starting to feel whole again. You say that you want to be my friend and that you deserve better than what i have been treating you but you seem to forget how you treated me for three years plus the year we werent "together" after that. you have forgotten how many tears were spilled for you. how many times i spent wishing you were with me and you had better things to do. always better things to do that werent me and you deserve better? you deserve to be treated better? how so? because for the first time in almost five years you are being nice to me. putting me before everyone else.....oh wait there isnt anyone else. i am the only one that still gives a shit about you and yet you deserve better. you have never said anything to me about how much you hurt me and about how sorry you should be. not once have you said that "i am sorry i put everything and everyone before you. i am sorry that i betrayed a friend and swept you out from under him. im sorry that it would have been better for you to not be with me. im sorry that i broke your heart." not once did you ever say anything like that to me. not once did you ever tell me that. not once did you ever let me actually get over you. everytime i thought i was over you, you would show up with your "heys" and your "hey i miss you" i am so sick of those. so yea i am done. done caring about everything about you! so over caring about you. I hope that you get how much you have hurt me and how hard it is to say that i dont want you in my life. but i cant have you in my life because it hurts to think about all that you did to me.

a

christmas

so i would like to wish everyone a happy and merry first off. second off i would like to say that this is the first year in a a long time that i am actually very very happy. most of that is due to the fact that i am figuring out who i am. i am figuring who my friends are which is a huge deal and i am figuring out that i care more about a certain person every time i get to see them. i didnt realize that i could care about a person so much but i guess its possible. the only thing that i could ask for right now is to actually be spending christmas with that person. to actually see this person. soon enough i guess. so yea this is what happens when you are with someone and your family lives on the other side of the state.

so for now that is all i have. there will be more later that is for sure.

winter weekend

so this weekend was kinda great. i spent time with my favorite people.

me and lt

me and maddy

katy, maddy and i. we went ice skating

katy and i

me, katy and maddy again after we got warm.

it was a great weekend. i love my friends, old and new and i am so happy that they love me no matter what! i told my trio some things and they love me still and it makes me so freaking happy!

grey

grey for me is not a color it is a state of being
my world is not black or white but grey
i live in a world of inbetween and i never have the correct answer
what do you want me to say?
what is the correct answer to the question at hand?
you want to know what i am?
i am a woman.
i am an artist.
i am a lover.
when i look at you like i dont understand your question it is not because i am stupid but because i think that your question is.
what is the answer you want?
why do you need to define me?
do you want to know that my mother is white and that my father is black
does that make you feel better?
that now you can put me in a category
that you now know were i fall and that you can make me something i am not
i am not milato, i am not carmel, i am not a cookie or a coffee drink.
i am just me.
i am the daughter of those that have come before
i am a women whose soft skin has been hardened against all the hate that you hold in your heart.
i am not something that you can categorize.
you can not make me something i am not.
i am not black or white
i am not brown or cream
i am everything inbetween

snow

so i know that most people are not a fan of snow but me i love snow. the sound it makes when it falls is kinda awesome. the snow falls and every other sound is muffled. the only sound you hear is the loveliness of snow. it is soft and sweet. it sounds like rice dropping on fabric. i know i know weird analogy but if you every have an oppertunity to try it you will see what i mean. i dont know why i love snow so much but i do. i know that it is cold and i dont like cold but snow makes me happy. i love to wake up and sit and just watch it fall. watch the patterns it makes on the ground, on cars, on people. i wish people could see the wonderfulness of snow. it makes everything look so clean and pure and for the moments at a time nothing is more perfect

control

I am so confused about this word currently. I know that I have control issues but at this present junction my problem is that I am having a problem with the fact that I am allowing someone else have control. if that made any sense. I care about birdie and when I am with birdie my need to control the situation is gone. I have no desire to know whats going on all the time, I dont care if we sit and do nothing. Just being with birdie is by far enough.
Tonight I went over to birdie's to get a plunger.....because yea. (toilet = bad). Well I ended up spilling my guts. I am so worried about what my friends will think about me dating birdie. I hope against hope that they wont care but I am worried. I dont want to lose my friends but I dont want to lose birdie either. I am so grateful however for the fact that birdie is not forcing me to tell my friends. I think we both are in the same boat about not really knowing were we stand and we are not good with upheaval or confrontation. I am just so beyond worried that if I do not word it the right way I will end up without friends. And that would be heart breaking.

birdie

so i hung out with birdie tonight. it was only 30 minutes but i would have to say that it was the best 30 minutes of my day. we watched the rachel maddow show. very funny stuff. i have never liked watching the news so much. maybe it was birdie or maybe it was the show, not really sure. i do have to say that tonight was the giggliest we have ever been. it was quite funny. i have a strange need to karete chop something right now but whatever.
i guess i should share a little about birdie........sweet, kind, quite, funny, artistic, intelligent, and so many more things that i cant even describe.
ok so for tonight i am going to bed. maybe tomorrow more on birdie.

grande fine settimana : great weekend

questo fine settimana era da lontano il migliore fine settimana che ho avuto in tanto tempo. sono completamente e piacendo completamente che ciò che ha continuato nella mia vita. comincio finalmente a sentire come le due parti di me vengono effettivamente insieme. per la prima volta in une cose di tempo lunghe fanno effettivamente il senso e lavorando nel mio favore. sono realmente felice con la maniera Le cose vanno attualmente. amo realmente i nuovi amici ed i nuovi rapporti che faccio.

questo fine settimana era speso con un nuovo amico che fa me vede le cose in una nuova luce. tutto che vedo e faccio con la persona è nuovo ed e molto che ho cercato. io non sa se questa persona realizza l'impatto che hanno sulla mia vita ma forse del giorno farà.